What's In a Name

My middle name is Reneé. A common name for many women in this country, and I am sure in many other countries. There is nothing unique, or singular about have this name.

However, I've always been fascinated by names, their language of origin, the etymology, and especially their meaning. Growing up, I always secretly believed that names, like many words, have power. That the meaning behind a name can reveal a person's passions, talents, skills, or even their destiny. That it could possibly hold the key to some of the greatest questions a person can and will have in life. I believed - still believe - that in life their are rarely coincidences. Even the names given to us by our parents have a purpose and relationship with our life paths.

So, imagine my disappointment when I learned that my first name - which I won't post because its actually pretty distinct - had no meaning. In following the trend at the time, my mother created a name from her and my father's names. She created something unique to me - and in that I see the value of my name. However, when I was younger I was a little hurt, because it challenged my beliefs in the power and influence of words. Having a name with no meaning, origins, languages, or etymology meant I had not path, destiny, talent, or skills to affix to my person. I was - in essence - a very blank slate, and it was (and still is) my job to forge a definition, path, and destiny for myself.

But my middle name is Reneé, and that name is an extremely old name. Almost vintage in way. As many people may know it is a French name, and my mother was sure to spell it the feminine way. It simply means "reborn." Interpret that as you see fit.

I, however, am starting to feel like the second half of my name is starting to weave its influence into my life. I feel as though I am restarting my life, entering a second phase of self-discovery, or an early mid-life crisis. At only 30 years old, I feel as thought my life has plateaued, and those things that used to satisfy me no longer fulfill me as they used to. So, yeah, in a way, I am rediscovering life, resetting, or even being "reborn."

That's exactly where I am in life, and its time I start owning it. However, not just owning it, but also being comfortable in the uncertainty that is a life restarted. The beautiful thing about a newborn infant is the promise that comes with new life. Through the pain and chaos of childbirth is the gift of untainted potential, and perhaps that is the influence of my name. Perhaps, it was always my destiny to be reborn, to receive a second, third, or fourth incarnation of life. The beauty being that from the ashes and destruction of the old will emerge the promise of new, of creation, of a fresh start - if one makes the most of their time.

That's where I am right now. How do I navigate the chaos that is my life, so that I can be reborn and make the most of the new potential that is to come? How do I move out of the fear and stigma that has held me back? How do I live and love life at 30 years old?

Let me know, if you happen to come across the answer, and you'll be the first I'll tell if I figure it out.

But until then, think about what's in your name. Has it unexpectedly influenced you?

So, You want to live "The Dream"

What is the dream? The dream as it pertains to you.

We are familiar with proverbial "American" dream, and if this is the dream for you, than by all means own it. However, and this may be just as likely, if it is not your idea of "the dream," than I would love to know what that may look like for you.

A few evenings ago, I had this conversation with my younger sister, as we sat together on the couch. As I continue my introspective exploration - aka. my early mid-life crisis - I have allowed myself to become indulgent as to the different paths available to me. That entails looking at possibilities I never once considered. Not to say I haven't thought of them, but more because, and I think we all do this, I limited myself as to what I thought I could do.

So, that evening, I asked myself this question. I encourage you to do the same.

What is living "the dream" for you?

Because, truly, I've never really thought about it. Even as a child, I was the most practical 8 year old you would have ever met. No, idealistic, indulgent, trumped up ideas of living the life of a beautiful ballerina or pop star or [insert random childhood dream here] for me... no sir! I was very much aware that there were these things called "bills" looming over all adults heads, and were a consistent source of something called "stress," which did not look pleasant by any means. And, so being aware of this, my dreams involved going to college, getting a degree, getting a job that paid these "bills," and eventually marrying and having children. Not the most romantic or creative, I know, but mine nonetheless. In the end, I did achieve these goals - except for the marriage/children bit, which can be saved for a later date.

But I never got to play with the idea of, "What is your dream?"

Realizing this, I asked my sister what her "dream" would be. If we could set aside, money, stress, life concerns, bills, all the factors we consider that keeps us from the things we love doing, what would that dream be? Her answer: a career related to music.

Now, for the record, she is not a musician, however, she possesses one of the largest databases for all sorts of genres of music from across the globe. She is exceedingly knowledgeable on forms of music, songs and artists - both mainstream and under ground - and capable of articulating her opinions and critics on music, artists. and the culture in a sophisticated and intriguing manner. When she speaks on the topic, we - anyone around her - tends to listen. Furthermore, she has this crazy ability of being able to listen to a song and immediately pick up on other songs that were sampled for it, used in its mix, or are startling close to sounding exactly the same. She has an exceptional ear.

Does this not sound like a person meant for a career, a life, in music?

So, it led me to my next question. Why not work in music?

There was a pause. A moment of reflection, but ultimately no answer that could completely suffice.

I ask, in all honesty, why don't we simply live for "the dream?" Whatever it may look like. Why not simply live for it? Work towards it? Own it? Oh, what a world it would be, if we all simply live for the things we loved doing most in this world. I would give much to see what a world like that looked like.

So, I leave you with these questions, and I encourage you to share your answers: What is your dream? Have you followed it? Did you succeed? Did you fail? Has the dream changed over the years? Are you still searching for it?

There is a quote by Lupita N'yongo, that is extremely fitting, "No matter where you are from, your dreams are valid."

Please Invent A Mapquest App for Life... Thanks

I'm 30 years old (and 3 months), and quite frankly, I have no clue which direction my life is heading. In all honesty, I've never been more confused about what direction I should be going in. I was far more confident, 8 years ago, when I was just a naive, college student, and the highlight of my days involved finding that there were still some Oreos left in the kitchen. Then, I understood what my goal was, how to achieve that goal, and what the plan was to that goal. Though, I must admit, I had very little idea what I was to do after I got my degree... which led to many an emotional break down.

Fast forward 8 years after my graduation, and I here I am, one emotional break-down away from just giving up completely. Let me warn you now, this is in no way a blog post that will end in a well meaning note of positivity, where I offer some awe-inspiring insight or some secret answer that will help those in a similar situation. Sorry, no... just no. However, I can, at this moment offer a fellow commiserator, and if someone should happen upon the answer while, you know, eating a fortune cookie or in a random tarot card reading, please... please, please feel free to leave their findings in the comments below.

I thank you in advance.

Moving on, I am at a loss, and it is because I am at a loss, that I feel other aspects of my life must also be put on hold. I mean, let's face it, as much as I would love to be in a fulfilling relationship with a supportive, intelligent, understanding young man - who can also share in my trekkie, anime/geek out ways - I also realize, that asking someone to love me, in a mess of confusion, may be just a little too much to ask for. The end result? I'm on my own... far longer than I had originally thought. There goes the dream of being in a young woman in a successful, satisfying career, while entering a loving marriage where we travel the world together engaging in our own version of Bizarre Foods meets Fear Factor - but I digress.

Needless to say, I have yet to find the answer to what it is I am supposed to do. Truthfully, I'm not even sure how to go about looking for the said "answer" or if it even exists. For now, all I can do is write out my thoughts, in the hopes that these musings will allow for reflection, and thus that reflection will lead to some better understanding as to which direction I should be heading in.

Until then, I have my recent trip to San Francisco to look back on with some fondness. Below is a panoramic view I took of the city at night at the top of Twin Peaks. One of the best nights of my life, and I have a dear friend to thank for that.

San Francisco, CA from the top of Twin Peaks.